Trying for a baby can be one of life’s most stressful milestones from the ovulation test kits to the dreaded two weeks wait. One mum, HK, shares her story of how after many failed attempts at starting a family, she stopped planning and instead left it in His hands.
They call it ‘family planning’; it makes you feel like it’s your plan to make. You sit down with your partner and ‘plan’ when to try to conceive. You ‘plan’ what activities and holidays you’ll partake in when the baby’s here. However, sometimes reality kicks in and you realise that you are not the planner of these aspects in life and that only He is the one to plan this for you.
When my husband and I first got married, we were young and still studying. Straight away, I said to my husband let’s start trying. I can still remember his response of “But we’ve just gotten married. Let’s focus on our career so that we are economically stable for our children”. It made sense of course, however the broody and children-loving person that I am couldn’t wait. It wasn’t what I had planned.
Once I graduated and landed myself a job, my husband turned to me one night and said that we should start trying. I was filled with resentment and it was a bitter sweet moment. Instead, I chose to focus on my career – the timing wasn’t right for me. Strangely enough this time, it wasn’t what my husband had planned.
After a few years, the timing seemed right and we started to try. Sadly, I even sat down one night with a calendar and thought to myself, “If I fall pregnant now, I would have the baby here, which worked out in terms on my employment”. I was looking at baby websites, followed things on social media, looking at nursery ideas – I was building myself up. When the time was ready to take a test – the dreaded feeling came when I found out I wasn’t pregnant. I had a sinking feeling in the middle of my stomach that made me feel so sad. Why was I sad after only one month? Did I think it would happen so easily? My family and friends said it only took them one month… I was secretly jealous.
Month by month it continued, that dreaded feeling. Sometimes I had positive tests followed by bleeding and negative ones. We went to the doctors where, after using scans, still couldn’t find the reason. By this point, family members were asking us why we didn’t have children. Dropping hints and saying that “you’d be next”. I always used to reply “Inshallah” and staying positive somehow.
After turning to medicine, we turned to Islam. It may seem obvious to some, but sometimes the smallest turn can give the biggest rewards.
That’s when the magic happened. Allah’s the most gracious and merciful that He gave us our greatest gift at the most unexpected time.
I made the change of trying to do my namaz five times a day. At the end of each prayer I begged for forgiveness and I begged for Allah (SWT) to give to me what is right – what is prescribed for my path. Occasionally in the evenings, I would sit and read daily tasbih (zikr) constantly asking for forgiveness, giving praise (thanks) and crying for help. Other times, when I had the chance, I would pray extra nafil and my intention was to keep my husband and I healthy to help us in our journey to parenthood. It was at this point that I realised, I’m not the planner of such things. Allah Almighty is so great that He is the only provider and the one to grant us our duah.
I slowly took the pressure of myself and began to focus on my deen and other things in life such as my family, work etc. I stopped looking at my calendar and deleted social media apps to take away the temptation. That’s when the magic happened. Allah’s the most gracious and merciful that He gave us our greatest gift at the most unexpected time.
Everyday, I now look at my son and I can’t help but feel so blessed. I waited so long for you. I cried, had sleepless nights and down-days begging for you. Alhumdullilah, we had been chosen to be parents as this was in our taqdir. We had spent years planning and prepping ourselves. Looking back, I feel embarrassed and ashamed knowing how much of a control freak I was whereby I used to look at the calendar and plan my life around “falling pregnant”.
Every day I try to do my namaz, make duah or read zikr, I cannot thank Allah (SWT) enough for bestowing to me this gift. It will happen when you least expect it and when it’s written for you. Let go, relax and remember it’s not your plan, it’s His plan.